why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
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