I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
love makes seman taste better
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
