Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
