He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I supernannyed him into submission
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
