When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
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