but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
