And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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