How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
