it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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