I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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