so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
