when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
It was confusing and full of hummus
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
