There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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