One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
