theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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