I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Randomize
