I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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