Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
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