Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Randomize
