When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
