Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
