You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Randomize
