just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Randomize
