i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
