the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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