i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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