It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
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