Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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