She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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