I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
