Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
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