Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Randomize
