hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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