You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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