I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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