Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
