just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
You need Xanax blowdarts
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
