i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
