i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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