he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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