I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Randomize
