yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
