I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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