So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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