My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize