I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
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