I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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