I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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