You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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