I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
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