My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
