You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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