Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
