I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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