theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Randomize
