Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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