I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
