After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
