i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
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