Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Randomize