is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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