I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
