So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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