She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Randomize
