Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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